Happiness can be defined in all kinds of ways, but human beings, consciously or unconsciously, are always pulling for their own version of happiness. Even people who want to die see death as a kind of solace, and view ending their lives as the only way to make it there. Happiness is the base unit of consciousness, our single greatest motivator. Saying “I just want to be happy” trumps any other explanation.
Tag: nature
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Three films
- The Worst Person in the World (2021)
- Maborosi (1995)
- Scrapper (2022)
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Before June ends
Song
- Look On Down from the Bridge – Mazzy Star
Youtube
- @cemeteryf0g
Film
- Aftersun (2022)
Book
- The Catcher in the Rye – J.D. Salinger
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Semester 2
Happy Sunday, Lavenders,
It’s been a while since I last wrote here. I’m sorry about that.
The fires in LA, the evacuation, moving back to college… everything’s been a little scattered. My thoughts, my days. It’s taken me some time to settle in.
Yesterday, I came back to New York. Now I’m in my dorm, alone again. While I was away, dust settled in my room, so this morning, right after I woke up, I cleaned. I washed my clothes. Changed my bedsheets. And let the breeze in. It moved softly through the room, brushing past the curtains, carrying away the dust. After that, I went to Cherry Valley for grocery shopping with my friends. I picked up a carton of Chobani vanilla-flavoured oat milk for the first time, and it was really good. I normally don’t buy milk because it’s too big for me to finish on my own, and my mini fridge always feels too small. But I wanted milk with chocolate syrup in it so badly that I bought it anyway. It was a sweet decision. The vanilla was soft—perfect for a cosy winter day. When we got back from the store, my two friends and I gathered in the dorm and shared some bread that one of them brought from home. I don’t remember the name, it was one of the traditional Vietneme bread which has saseame seed on top of it. It was warm and the way we sat together, tearing off pieces, made me feel less nervous about being away from home.
Seeing my friends again made me happy too. It’s only been three weeks, but it felt longer. I missed the way they tease me. The way we share snacks and random stories. How they make me laugh even when I don’t feel like it. But then I think about classes starting soon and I feel my stomach knot up already. Maths. Statistics. Deadlines. Tests. It makes me want to disappear for a while. But life doesn’t let you do that. You can’t pause the world. Sometimes, maybe. But most of the time, no. So I’m trying my best to be gentle with all the tides coming my way. I’m especially worried because I’ve been thinking too much about the future lately. “Do I even like this major? Is this what I want from life?” And that kind of thinking never ends—it loops back around, one question leading to another. But I’ll remind myself—God is with me. The worries, the doubts, the weight of everything I can’t control… I’ll hand them over to Him. He can carry what I can’t. And that’s enough for today (Matthew 6:34).
If you’re reading this and you’re in college too, I want you to know you’re not alone. The second semester might be harder. There will be more tests, more deadlines, and more ways the world tries to measure us. But it won’t last forever. There’s an end to it. And we’ll finish the race together.
For now, let’s keep going. One day at a time.
You’ve got this. And God’s got you.
Thank you for stopping by my little lavender fields.
God bless and goodbye!
~Rue
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Checking In
Hello, Lavenders,
How’s everyone doing?
There’s a fire near my place. The sky is tinted orange. I’m a bit scared, but it’ll be okay.
I don’t have many words in me today, so I’ll leave you with a song—Conan Gray’s cover of Video Games. His voice feels sad, like he’s sitting with his own loneliness. It touches that part of solitude we all carry, but in a tender way.
Thank you for stopping by my little lavender fields.
I hope you’re all safe and warm.
God bless and goodbye!
~Rue -
Bird Wings
Hello, Lavenders,
How was your first week of 2025?
Yesterday, I went to watch Flow (2024), a film I’ve been wanting to see for a long time. There’s no cinema near my college, so I haven’t been able to watch films as often as I used to. But now that I’m on break, I finally had the chance to go. I’ve been waiting to see Flow before it left theatres. The reviews were glowing, and I didn’t want to miss it. I found a small independent cinema, and the moment I walked in, it felt like home.
I grew up on a little island where the animal population outnumbered the humans. We didn’t have big cinemas, only small independent ones. I used to take an hour-long bus ride every weekend with my friend to watch films. We were in our film buff phase back then, watching nearly every release that came out. Those bus rides were long, but we loved them. We’d talk about the films all the way home — what we liked, what we didn’t, what the director could have done differently. As we grew older, things changed. Life got busier. Exams, new responsibilities, different paths. The one of us moved to the other side of the island, making it harder to meet. Our trips became less frequent. But even now, whenever we meet, we always make time for a film. It’s our little ritual, a reminder of the days we shared popcorn, seeing who could fit more in their mouth at once and ending up choking from laughing too hard.
Watching Flow reminded me of that.
The film was beautiful. There was no dialogue, yet it spoke louder than words. And it stayed with me long after the screen faded to black. There were no humans in the film, but every wave, every crack in the earth, every storm felt profoundly human. It showed how we try to conquer nature without ever realising we’re part of it. How we take and take, blind to the damage, until everything stands on the edge of collapse. And how, in the end, it takes sacrifice to bring balance back to the world.
For some reason, when I think of humanity’s habit of taking too much and leaving things broken, I’m reminded of Bird Wings by Valium Aggelein — a side project of Duster. The song carries a kind of sadness that lingers, mourning what’s already lost, while holding on, desperately, to what little remains.
Thank you for stopping by my little lavender fields.
God bless and goodbye!
~Rue
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New Hair
Hello, Lavenders.
How’s everyone doing?
I finally cut my hair. It had grown past my ribs, long enough to start feeling uncomfortable. The salon near my college charges too much, so I waited until winter break. Right now, I’m staying with a family friend because I don’t have a set place to call home for the holidays.
By the time I walked into the salon, my hair looked more like Chewbacca than me. The stylist was surprised by how long it was. Now it’s cut to just above my collarbone, and I feel lighter in more ways than one. It’s strange how a haircut can change the way you see yourself. To celebrate, I treated myself to matcha. Some people say it tastes like grass, but I like it. It gives me the caffeine I need without the bitterness of coffee. I added caramel syrup, which made it taste like a sweet treat. I sat in a wobbly café chair that squeaked whenever I moved. On a normal day, I might have switched to another chair, but because of my lighter hair and lighter mood, I just let it be.
While I sipped, I watched Adventure Time. Some people might think I’m childish for watching cartoons, but for me, it is my comfort time. And I hope you all also enjoy your personal comfort time regardless of what other people think.
Hello, Lavenders! Can you believe it’s my third post already?
How’s everyone doing?
I finally cut my hair! It was way overdue—so overdue, in fact, that it had grown past my ribs. It felt like carrying a blanket around on my head, which, let me tell you, gets pretty annoying. The salon near my college charges an arm and a leg, so I held off until winter break. Right now, I’m staying with someone I know because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. Winter break can feel a little strange when you don’t have a set place to call home, but I’m grateful for the kindness of others. By the time I got to the salon, my hair looked like something out of a Chewbacca cosplay. (Yeah, laugh it up, I did too.) The stylist took one look and said, “Wow, when’s the last time you saw scissors?” I didn’t realise it was that obvious, but I laughed along, pretending I wasn’t just a little embarrassed. Now my hair’s a little above my collarbone, and I feel so much lighter—literally and figuratively. Funny thing, though. Looking in the mirror afterward, I barely recognised myself. Isn’t it weird how something as simple as a haircut can make you feel like a completely different person? Like you’ve shed a piece of your identity but still stayed…you.
To celebrate, I decided to treat myself to this fancy green grass drink. It’s not actually grass—relax. It’s powdered green tea that looks like someone blended up a lawn but tastes way better. People call it matcha, but I like to think of it as a magical potion that makes me feel zen and fancy at the same time. I was sitting in this wobbly chair at the café that squeaked every time I moved. But I liked it—it felt like the chair was part of the experience, like it had its own personality. As for the drink? I went all out. I added caramel syrup, so it was extra extra sweet, and I loved it. It felt like drinking a dessert. Smooth, sugary, and over-the-top in the best way possible. As I sipped my green grass potion, I watched Adventure Time. There’s something about Finn and Jake—their childlike curiosity, their big hearts—that makes me feel like life isn’t so bad after all. Their adventures, their innocent hope, the way they see the world—it’s like a small flicker of a Christmas candle. Not enough to light up the whole room, but just enough to make things feel soft and safe. Watching them always makes me feel like, yeah, maybe things are going to be okay.
P.S. Ever since I moved to college, I can feel my eyesight getting worse, but I’m still not convinced to wear glasses. I kind of like how the world looks a little blurry. It’s the same reason I prefer yellow light over fluorescent light. Fluorescent light shows everything—every crack, every detail. But yellow light softens it. And I think it’s okay to see the world that way.
Thank you for stopping by my little lavender field.
God bless and goodbye!
~Rue
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Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, Lavenders! (Lavender is my favourite flower, so I thought it would be nice to call my internet friends by that name. Let me know what you think!)
How was your day? Mine felt warm. This morning, I went to church. We praised the Lord, shared gifts, and enjoyed delicious food (though I didn’t get a gift—those were mostly for the younger kids. I guess I’m not a kid anymore, haha). Other than the church event, my day was quiet. After I came back, I tried to watch a film but didn’t finish it. Instead, I ended up daydreaming. I should tell you—I love daydreaming. It’s my favourite hobby. Some might find it odd, but I enjoy getting lost in my thoughts, staring out the window and letting my mind wander.
As a child, I spent a lot of time feeling alone. I didn’t have many friends or family around (it was always just me and my dad), so I stayed inside my head. It felt safer that way. When the world outside felt distant, my imagination became the place I could go to feel less lonely. Now, at 19, I still go back to that place. It’s changed a little, but the feeling is the same. It’s where I go when life feels heavy or when I need to catch my breath. You might wonder what I daydreamed about today. But I think we’re not quite close enough for me to share that yet. Maybe next time, haha. I’m being mysterious, aren’t I?
One thing I feel a little sad about is not having a Christmas cake this year (and yes, my sweet tooth is feeling the loss). But then I remind myself—there are many people out there who don’t even have a warm meal, so I won’t complain. I do wish I could have spent today at home with my dad, but being in college, far from home in another country, makes that difficult. I suppose this is part of growing up.
After dinner, I went for a walk around the neighbourhood. I wanted to see the Christmas decorations, to decide which house was the best. But as I walked, I realised it wasn’t about choosing. Every house sparkled in its own way, each one lit with care and love. The lights shimmered in the dark, like little whispers of hope. I looked up at the sky and thought—I hope God sees this. I hope, from heaven, it makes His heart sparkle the way it makes ours.
Today we celebrate His birth, and I’m reminded of the hope and love He brings into the world. No matter how lost I feel or how uncertain life becomes, knowing He is with me makes everything feel a little lighter.
There’s a lot on my mind that I’d love to share. But I’ll keep it short for now because if I say too much today, what will I have to say tomorrow? Haha.
As a poor college student, I have nothing else to give for Christmas, but I do have a song recommendation: I’m With You by Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross. I hope you like it. If you do, then you’re my buddy now—and that makes me happy!
Have a cosy time with the rest of your holidays~
God bless and goodbye!
~Rue
Rue 