Happiness can be defined in all kinds of ways, but human beings, consciously or unconsciously, are always pulling for their own version of happiness. Even people who want to die see death as a kind of solace, and view ending their lives as the only way to make it there. Happiness is the base unit of consciousness, our single greatest motivator. Saying “I just want to be happy” trumps any other explanation.
Tag: blog
-
Before June ends
Song
- Look On Down from the Bridge – Mazzy Star
Youtube
- @cemeteryf0g
Film
- Aftersun (2022)
Book
- The Catcher in the Rye – J.D. Salinger
-
Music Recs
Whatever – Oasis
Go Now – Adam Levine
We Are Young – Fun.
The Scientist – Coldplay
-
Semester 2
Happy Sunday, Lavenders,
It’s been a while since I last wrote here. I’m sorry about that.
The fires in LA, the evacuation, moving back to college… everything’s been a little scattered. My thoughts, my days. It’s taken me some time to settle in.
Yesterday, I came back to New York. Now I’m in my dorm, alone again. While I was away, dust settled in my room, so this morning, right after I woke up, I cleaned. I washed my clothes. Changed my bedsheets. And let the breeze in. It moved softly through the room, brushing past the curtains, carrying away the dust. After that, I went to Cherry Valley for grocery shopping with my friends. I picked up a carton of Chobani vanilla-flavoured oat milk for the first time, and it was really good. I normally don’t buy milk because it’s too big for me to finish on my own, and my mini fridge always feels too small. But I wanted milk with chocolate syrup in it so badly that I bought it anyway. It was a sweet decision. The vanilla was soft—perfect for a cosy winter day. When we got back from the store, my two friends and I gathered in the dorm and shared some bread that one of them brought from home. I don’t remember the name, it was one of the traditional Vietneme bread which has saseame seed on top of it. It was warm and the way we sat together, tearing off pieces, made me feel less nervous about being away from home.
Seeing my friends again made me happy too. It’s only been three weeks, but it felt longer. I missed the way they tease me. The way we share snacks and random stories. How they make me laugh even when I don’t feel like it. But then I think about classes starting soon and I feel my stomach knot up already. Maths. Statistics. Deadlines. Tests. It makes me want to disappear for a while. But life doesn’t let you do that. You can’t pause the world. Sometimes, maybe. But most of the time, no. So I’m trying my best to be gentle with all the tides coming my way. I’m especially worried because I’ve been thinking too much about the future lately. “Do I even like this major? Is this what I want from life?” And that kind of thinking never ends—it loops back around, one question leading to another. But I’ll remind myself—God is with me. The worries, the doubts, the weight of everything I can’t control… I’ll hand them over to Him. He can carry what I can’t. And that’s enough for today (Matthew 6:34).
If you’re reading this and you’re in college too, I want you to know you’re not alone. The second semester might be harder. There will be more tests, more deadlines, and more ways the world tries to measure us. But it won’t last forever. There’s an end to it. And we’ll finish the race together.
For now, let’s keep going. One day at a time.
You’ve got this. And God’s got you.
Thank you for stopping by my little lavender fields.
God bless and goodbye!
~Rue
-
Popsicle Hands & Frozen Hearts
Hello, Lavenders,
How was your day? Mine felt… heavy.The weather here is bitter—my hands feel like popsicles. Winter has this weird way of making everything feel colder—not just your body, but the whole world. The days are super short now. The sun, weary of its duty, slips away before the evening settles. I wish I could blame the weather for how I feel. It would be easier to say it’s the snow, or the grey sky, or the chill in the air. But grief doesn’t care about the weather. It exists outside time, outside everything.
This morning, my high school teacher passed away. Just like that. One moment she was here, and the next, she wasn’t. Loss doesn’t knock. It doesn’t ask if it’s a good time. It just arrives, like a shadow spilling across the floor, leaving you to figure out how to live in the emptiness it creates. There aren’t any words for this kind of silence. I’ve tried to find them, but they don’t exist. So instead, I’ll leave you with a poem. Not to fix anything—because nothing can—but to remind you (and me) that even on the darkest nights, when you can’t see the stars, they’re still there, waiting for you to find them again.
Winter bites.
It starts with your hands,
The cold sinking into your fingers
Until they feel like someone else’s.
Then your toes, your ears,
And somehow your heart.It hurts.
The kind of hurt that’s sharp and hollow,
A pain that pretends it belongs there.
The wind doesn’t care who you are.
It finds the cracks in your coat,
The spaces where warmth hides,
And pulls it out like a thief.But then—
Someone lights a fire,
Or hands you a cup of sun.
You gather, close enough to see
The flush in someone else’s cheeks,
To hear them smile.And it doesn’t feel like fighting anymore.
The cold is still there,
But it stays outside.
Inside, you remember
That warmth isn’t just heat.
It’s hands.
It’s voices.
It’s not being alone.Thank you for being here in my lavender fields.
God bless and goodbye!
~Rue
-
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, Lavenders! (Lavender is my favourite flower, so I thought it would be nice to call my internet friends by that name. Let me know what you think!)
How was your day? Mine felt warm. This morning, I went to church. We praised the Lord, shared gifts, and enjoyed delicious food (though I didn’t get a gift—those were mostly for the younger kids. I guess I’m not a kid anymore, haha). Other than the church event, my day was quiet. After I came back, I tried to watch a film but didn’t finish it. Instead, I ended up daydreaming. I should tell you—I love daydreaming. It’s my favourite hobby. Some might find it odd, but I enjoy getting lost in my thoughts, staring out the window and letting my mind wander.
As a child, I spent a lot of time feeling alone. I didn’t have many friends or family around (it was always just me and my dad), so I stayed inside my head. It felt safer that way. When the world outside felt distant, my imagination became the place I could go to feel less lonely. Now, at 19, I still go back to that place. It’s changed a little, but the feeling is the same. It’s where I go when life feels heavy or when I need to catch my breath. You might wonder what I daydreamed about today. But I think we’re not quite close enough for me to share that yet. Maybe next time, haha. I’m being mysterious, aren’t I?
One thing I feel a little sad about is not having a Christmas cake this year (and yes, my sweet tooth is feeling the loss). But then I remind myself—there are many people out there who don’t even have a warm meal, so I won’t complain. I do wish I could have spent today at home with my dad, but being in college, far from home in another country, makes that difficult. I suppose this is part of growing up.
After dinner, I went for a walk around the neighbourhood. I wanted to see the Christmas decorations, to decide which house was the best. But as I walked, I realised it wasn’t about choosing. Every house sparkled in its own way, each one lit with care and love. The lights shimmered in the dark, like little whispers of hope. I looked up at the sky and thought—I hope God sees this. I hope, from heaven, it makes His heart sparkle the way it makes ours.
Today we celebrate His birth, and I’m reminded of the hope and love He brings into the world. No matter how lost I feel or how uncertain life becomes, knowing He is with me makes everything feel a little lighter.
There’s a lot on my mind that I’d love to share. But I’ll keep it short for now because if I say too much today, what will I have to say tomorrow? Haha.
As a poor college student, I have nothing else to give for Christmas, but I do have a song recommendation: I’m With You by Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross. I hope you like it. If you do, then you’re my buddy now—and that makes me happy!
Have a cosy time with the rest of your holidays~
God bless and goodbye!
~Rue
Rue 